Mini post.

So, I am fast approaching my 24th year. Usually i have mixed feelings at around this time. I mean, I’m i really happy I’m older? Don’t get me wrong, it is nice that you get live to the next year but then the realization that you have hit another year is, well, intense.

I also like to make my resolutions on my birthday but since this year ill be head deep in exams, i decided to get an early start. So ill try do my usual birthday post right now. First, good grief..this year has flown so fast it feels like a preview and honestly, i have felt the existential dread creep in far too many times this year.

Anyway, flipping through this year, I’ve had new experiences without a doubt. Starting work was something. Heck, it was probably the biggest highlight of the year and even though sometimes i feel like i still don’t know what i am doing, i always show up. Which is the second something I’ve learnt. Always show up. Even when you don’t feel like, get your ass off whatever you are doing, wear your pretty dress and shoes and whatever makes you happy, but do show up. You’ll be happier you did.

Navigating relationships personally and at work has been challenging but i love me a good challenge. Getting out of my shell has been pretty cool so i can take that with me to next year.

I have also found that help comes from where you least expect it and that weak ties can prove to be very strong. So yes, building on those networks might get you further along than what you had put your hopes on.

This is a mini post before i run to potentially fry off my brain. If i do, at least ill have these bits to remember, if i don’t, ill come back make a proper one..

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Chasing goosebumps.

I am extremely sexual and i do not want to be the ‘good girl’ i have always been. I feel different and new and I wanna embrace this me that has always been inside of me.

chasing goosebumps

We grow up having people tell us what we can do and/or not do. Who we can become and who we cant. what we can eat and what we shouldn’t. where to go and where not to, how we should behave and how not to behave. who to love and who to hate, who to lust at and who to not. Who to date and who to not. Our lives are full of choices even where there is no black or white. It’s wrong to walk in the grey areas because then you are not safe and taking risks once in a while is not good. So we do not. Instead we choose to stay in a capsule of immobility and inaction.

I am extremely sexual and i do not want to be a ‘good girl’. My friend said this and went on to describe what chokes us. Living our lives based on what other people think. We allow them to take their perceptions of us and mold their own perfect little images that they then shove down our throats, with our permissions, and take away our spirits. My friend is a fierce young lady. Not only did she finish top of her class but she did this with a baby in tow and she was as devoted, still is as devoted as any mother could be. Her revelation touched a nerve in me. So we joined in the discussion and shared our lives and hurts and expectations and realized just how far we had come. With battle scars to show for it.

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Our sexuality is not given to us to choose freely even if it is essentially your own. We are perceived as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ based on how you choose to express it. Who you choose to express it with and even when? There’s no end to the weight that comes to being fully able to express yourself. I guess we will never know how this truly feels because we are afraid to get there. So most of us have stayed with partners who have tortured us emotionally because we felt that they were the only ones who truly understood us for what we were. We have stayed with people who treated us less than we deserved because the alternative was too scary. We have chosen to chase after lukewarm because we were too afraid that goosebumps would show who we truly are. We are afraid of looking in the mirror because we knew we would not love what we saw and that would be terrible. Because then it would mean we were broken and no one else would have us if we could not even want us.

I am sexual and no, this is not my friend speaking, This is me. I am a young lady, who is slowly coming out of her shell. Realizing that there is lots more to the world and there’s no reason to hide. Learning that i do not have to be perfect and that imperfections aren’t weaknesses they are what make us unique. I am also learning that spending time with yourself is the greatest gift you could give yourself at this age. That it is okay to be lonely and feel lonely and that you owe no one explanations over what you choose to do with yourself. I am learning to go for what gives me goosebumps and take more risks. Jump at opportunities without over thinking. Be open to failure and keep reinventing myself. Most importantly, I am learning not to be too hard on myself.

It took me a long time to admit this, but yes, it is good to be vulnerable. It is good to tap into your emotions. It is good to say exactly what you feel, when you feel it. No sugar coating. It is okay to say no when you can’t and even when you can but do not want to, its still okay. People do not have to like who you are but you have to fall hopelessly in love with yourself if you want to give the same to others. I am grateful to my friend for inspiring me to get into the space to write this, and no, i do not think there are any good or bad girls. Just extremely passionate ones and lukewarm ones.

Let’s talk about PMS.

I have had an extremely long past week. PMS hit me like a tonne of bricks and i felt i should write it and put it out there. Maybe get some consolation that i am a normal healthy lady and that the effects of last week do not mean i was going crazy.

People don’t talk about lady business so openly and candidly. It’s like sex. We know it happens but it’s all hush hush. Well, last week made me want to disagree. Talking about things helps. Or just putting them out there in the public sphere so people know they exist.

Last week, as i said was crazy. I knew it would be a long one when i tried to get dressed and my clothes seem to have shrunk. Everything was tight. Uncomfortably tight. My stomach was bloated beyond belief and it felt horrible. I felt horrible. Everywhere hurt. I was afraid of eating too much or my pants would rip apart. My bras felt like i had moved a cup size up and don’t even talk about how sensitive and tender my breasts were. I even broke a bra. Can you do that? Break a bra? Well, i did. I was trying to get it off because i couldn’t wait to take it off when i got home and it snapped. Never mind that it was a favourite.The one thing i got going for me was that my face did not act up thanks to my new skin care routine.

I have never experienced anything this major before and it was extremely hard to go through especially since i had other things to do during the day. The physical bits were the milder part. My mind felt like it was being invaded by aliens. Aliens who pulled about and tagged at bits and pieces in me that i never knew existed. My emotions were all over the place and mood changes were as swift as the snap of a finger. One minute i wanted a hug, the next i wanted everyone to disappear and leave me be. My mental power was reduced to only basic functionality and that did not feel good either.

I think the hardest part was that this is not something that is classified as an actual illness and care is therefore hard to come by. Getting relief from my symptoms was not something i thought would happen and when the bloat finally ended and my clouded mental judgement was lifted i thought if it got that bad next time, i would need better coping mechanisms.

Like taking better care of myself and learning to listen to my body and give it what it needs, not wants. Resisting the urge to binge on unhealthy foods and sleeping early and getting quality sleep while i am at it. Mostly just being able to detach myself from stressful situations. Or maybe just finding a happy place and hiding there.So there we have it. That wasn’t so bad. Let’s keep talking about stuff no one wants to talk about

A neuroscientist reveals the crucial difference between feelings and emotions – BayArt

Do you also have a problem with emotions and feelings? Getting them confused, or thinking they are two words for the same experience? Do you also sometime surprise yourself with utterly childish behavior? You thought you were this adult, but suddenly, out of the blue you miserable, everyone makes you miserable and you feel you…

Source: A neuroscientist reveals the crucial difference between feelings and emotions – BayArt

54 Things That Make You More Beautiful Than Makeup Ever Will – BayArt

A true, genuine smile, that you wear as often as you can. The warm glow you get from being generous and helping people around yo Drinking water, constantly. All day. Every day. Treating yourself with care, love, and respect. Whatever that means to you. Putting good food in your body (at least, for the majority…

Source: 54 Things That Make You More Beautiful Than Makeup Ever Will – BayArt

Yaaas!

I am one year old. Yaay! Not one year old, obviously, that would make me a genius, an overachiever and probably a reason for my parents to be anxious. I mean it’s been one year since i got on here and started this and quite frankly i can not remember what my first post was about. All i remember is that i was super excited to start and get my thoughts moving.

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I had high expectations for this blog but i’m pretty proud of myself for getting this far. It’s been real, Its been lovely and we started from nothing to a nice happy family of people who remind me to keep writing when life takes over and are always super enthused when i put up something. I have certainly grown. In terms of being more open and using this space for what it really is. A place to vent out, get real and unburden myself.

I look forward to this year. Will certainly be changing things up a bit here. I hope you all love it though because I am pretty excited about what is in store for the look of this space and also for my creative direction. I promise to however, keep it us untamed as possible. Maybe much more untamed than i care to be comfortable with but we grow, we learn, we advance. We get tough skins. Lol.

Thank you all for being my readers. I hope to keep this up in our 2nd year. To many more words and adventures. I turn a year older soon so also grateful for little and not so little graces. I do intend to get myself a nice glass of wine and a cupcake to celebrate this, just so you know. Lots of love!

Social experiments.

They say the twenties are the time when you need to get out there and take life by the horns. Face troubles head on and never miss an opportunity. Experiment. Fail, fail at love, fail at lots of other things but do get back up. Stronger, wiser, tougher and a little less careless. Also, probably the best time to try your go at online dating or online meeting people if all other avenues prove futile. and they will, boy they will. Amidst juggling work, school, family, friends and everything else there’s little time left to make eye contact with the guy across the cafe long enough to get him to notice you. That’s where these little gadgets come in. Those gadgets that as a 20 something, i know hardly touch any other surface except the palm of your hand.

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So, I tried tinder. well, because there was always this fuss about it and i wondered if it ever worked in my country. Haha. yes, of course it would but i justified my joining so i wouldn’t have to admit to myself that my social life was taking a dip and quite frankly , i do not want to be the lady who does not like cats but has cats because they are the only creatures that will have her. My first thoughts when i joined were that someone i knew would recognize me and that was not the sort of conversation i wanted to have with anyone.

First week in and several swipes in, i already had several matches. I got my first and only good match during the first week. I should have known, but i did not and instead went on to see if i could get some more.The kinds i got were those who wanted me to go to their houses out of a whim and we both know they would not be serving me tea and cookies when i got there. Then there was the batch that figured i would fair well in their exotic pursuits of pleasure. Then the plain boring ones who could not sustain a conversation about the weather even if they tried.

I am a month into the app and do i want to keep pushing it? Not if all i am going to get is requests to try exotic activities i can not even bring myself to write here. Do i advise you to get on tinder to find your forever after or your scared to be alone someone? No, unless the sort of activities that will dominate the conversations interest you. Or, you like to get that sort of validation.

All these said, my tinder escapades were rather amusing. I think not going in with expectations of seriousness and thoughts of grandeur made it all quite bearable. The one good experience and i mean 1 out of say 100 matches that did not conform to the rest was quite surreal. If i had known that the rest of the time would be spent sifting through uninspiring talk, i could have ended my experiment then but would not make a good story now. Would it? So, i highly advise anyone who is a little bit normal to stick to traditional ways of meeting people. It may take a while, it may take forever but it will save you a lot of trouble. This is also my cue to end this experiment.

Lessons on doing your own hair.

I thought learning how to do my hair would be easy peasy. After all, i have had this hair for as long as i can remember and its just hair. Boy was i wrong. First, the natural hair blogs make it look so effortless. Especially when they fast pace their videos when they are doing twist outs or bantu knots and then unravel them to a beautiful result the next morning. Well, here is what i have found out to be the raw truth behind doing your own hair.

Well, first, my hair is at that weird transitional stage where the ends stick out straight when i wash it and the rest of the hair is just a matted mess. Lets start from the top.

1. Natural hair products will cost you a pretty penny.

From the range of shampoos that purport to give you silky soft hair, to conditioners and treatments with ingredients that promise volume and bounce, then the butters, creams and gels. I don’t even know half these products yet but taking the aisle where they are stocked is enough to have me rethinking my hair choices.

2. You need to have super stretchy hands and a third eye.

Doing your hair means your hands need to be super stretchy to reach all the corners of your head. The third eye goes without saying. Getting your hair into neat sections is a dedicated task.

3. There goes your Saturday afternoons.

Depending on how often you clean your hair, you can kiss your Saturday afternoons goodbye. Because those videos on you tube that last 4 minutes, could last you a whole hour or so trying to do Bantu knots on your head.

4.Your knots or twists could refuse to dry up.

Mine did. My maiden attempt and one side of my head looked like a bad experiment and i had church to attend. Which brings me to my next point.

5. You need to have plenty of scarves/ turbans and know how to use them.

Because your hair could totally back fire and there’s church or work or something to attend and no time to fix the mess. So, start stocking up on scarves and learn how to tie them.

6. Bad hair days might be an everyday affair.

You know how your hair decides to give you grief every once in a while, this could be your life story. Until you get the gist of doing your own hair, you could move from bad hair day to next bad hair day.

7 . questions, comments, more questions.

“Have you cut your hair? What have you done to your hair? Is that your real hair? Oh, you must be really patient.” Get used to the questions. You will get plenty of this. Even the men will comment.

8.Time to buy a nice wig.

Because some days you do not want to look at your hair and this might be your only quick fix. Scarves wont help you all the time.

On a more positive note..

9.You learn how to use bobby pins.

I bet you have been using them all wrong. Well, you have to learn to use them correctly. Also, buy a tonne of them. Plus those tiny hair bands.

10.You can rock something different everyday.

Perhaps the best bit about learning how to do your own hair is being able to try out something different everyday.

11. You save up on salon visits.

All that money you spend going to the salon? You can now use it to buy products and never need to go to the salon again.

12. Embracing your hair and nailing all those hair do’s is pretty bad ass.

Yeah i said it. Once you learn how to work your hair, then you should pat yourself at the back. Oh, and you’ll look pretty good too.

Of never ending friendships.

I know every time after a long hiatus i come here and apologize for my behavior then proceed to disappear again, but still sorry Edwin, i will not make any promises but i promise to be nicer from now on. A lot has been happening to me. Most of it has been in my head but still its been quite a transition for me. Its been beautiful, challenging , eye opening, a great learning curve.

I reconnected with a friend. Reconnected, because we last saw each other say 5 years ago. within that time, we’ve both gone to school, finished school, i with my first degree and her on to her 2nd one now, gone through the crazy confusion that is the early 20’s. To be honest, we both are still on the borderline of this confusing yet exciting phase, she is now a proficient natural hair and lifestyle blogger and i have my lovely site. Wow. its been a many five years but first a little background.

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We met in high school. We were in the same class for four years. Took different classes but still found plenty to connect on. I think our personalities meshed. She, an introvert, and i an extroverted introvert as i like to think of myself. I even attended one or two of her church services . The good old days. We finished school and she went ahead to do architecture as i pursued business and amid going to study in a different town and finding myself in my early adulthood, we lost touch. For close to 6 years we did not meet or talk until recently. Thanks to a Facebook message.

Coffee with my friend after all this time felt like going for a blind date without the awkwardness of finding out they lied about their height or that they used too many filters and they aren’t as light colored as their photo portrays. Anyway, i was worried we would have nothing to talk about. Maybe my campus days were too colorful compared to hers, and that she would find me a bit loud for her tastes. What happened is that we, like always, had an array of common things to talk about. From boys, to hair, to food and health, to career and then to random things. We may have taken different paths but we certainly did not lack for things to talk about. Which was absolutely wonderful to know because well, five years is a lifetime in a girl’s life.

All this got me thinking about all my current friendships and whether they would stand such a test of time. Whether an interaction like that after such a long time would be as effortless. It also got me thinking that i would not want any of my current relationships to stand such a test of time. I guess that also counts for my relationship with my blog. All in all, it was wonderful seeing my friend. I do not intend to have the next meeting after 5 years so i should probably text her about now for our next date and to tell her that i wrote about her. Also, how have you been?

For Lolo.

I am doing a post right now because when there are no words to speak I choose to write. When the words are too heavy to be delivered, then I choose to write because pen and paper for me are always good listeners.

Today my close friend lost her little angel. Barely into this world. He had not even celebrated his first birthday and as I heard the news I realized there was nothing I could say that could possibly ease the burden. No words could express that my heart went out to her and capture the real essence of the moment. Of that of a mother not seeing their child grow up.

I was transported back to the moment when she knew she was expecting. How she had looked forward to it and when he did eventually come, how she said she did not even know it happening.How she had come from being clueless at motherhood to being completely in charge and devoted to the little one. She had planned out his life not leaving anything to chance,boldly embracing that she might have to do it alone but never faulting her baby for being a responsibility she never had in mind to start with.

I could hear it in her voice as she grew fond of her baby, his mannerisms and little quirks and was filled with awe at how she did it all amid the challenges. I admired her greatly since she got her baby. I still do. She had made motherhood seem so easy for the rest of us.

Today, when I received the news, I was at a loss as to what to say and how to say it. So I decided to write this little tribute to mother and baby. Baby, for having made my friend smile and turning her into the strong woman she was always supposed to be and mother, for being the very best mum a baby could have wished for. To pray for his soul and for the peace that one can only hope for at such times.