I have spent the past couple of days tossing and turning in bed while i should be sleeping. When i do sleep, it’s no longer the restful sleep that leaves you feeling rejuvenated in the morning. It is characterised with bouts of dreams and nightmares and eventually deciding being awake is better rest.
I have comtemplated closing down this site but i fight against it every time. I always like to finish what i start but you are only a writer if you write. So I have held on refusing to open it so I am not reminded of what I should be doing.
I feel like I am in my quarter life crisis only I am not sure if I’m old enough to be experiencing that. Then I whisper to myself that ” I am okay, this is okay, It’s happening to many people around me,we are just a bunch of confused, lonely adults ,” and somehow that doesn’t give me comfort.
So i scout the internet for tips on clearing the fog. It has become my calling now. To cure myself and get a move on things. It’ s times like this when you see the flaws glaring at you like monsters. When beauty is dropped from the description and you have to constantly fake it until you feel like it.
I have been reading. Relentlessly. Through my commute, when I’m bored and when i wake up at 2 am. What i have read, a lovely book recommended by my boss, has all these life hacks that couldn’t come at a better time. My senses are more awake now and I’m beginning to realize things. It’s amazing what some introspection will bring out. I am learning that somedays you will have to will yourself to get things done while on others, you’ll run around and get the same things done so effortlessly and when you get those days, you be thankful.
I guess the most important bit is learning to keep going and teaching yourself to keep moving. The sleep will get better when you do.
It’s been two weeks now and i have not called my mother yet to tell her I need to go home so as to avoid going to my own place. I have not taken a detour to my friend’s with some take out and the excuse that i miss her and i just want to hang. Although in all honesty, I have totally thought about it. It helps that we meet on odd days on our way to work though.
Moving out and getting my own space has been an adjustment of sorts. No, a great adjustment. I have had to figure out a new route to get to work and i got one that saves me money while i am at it. How to do enough vegetable shopping that i do not spend all my evenings in the market buying stuff, heck, sometimes even just to get up and not get late for work. I have had to remember the simple but perhaps most important details like locking my house as soon as i get in and cleaning my house. Seriously, it’s so easy to fall into a deplorable state of filth. It doesn’t help that the filth is staring right at you.
I thought after i moved out i would turn into a social bird. Turns out not. My evenings are characterized by vanilla tea under my warm blanket as i watch something. Anything, just to keep me occupied. I have turned down so many invitations. Well, not so many but as many as one can get in two weeks which has made me realize and accept just how introverted I am.
I have been working on discovering myself through quiet introspection as i discover my new neighborhood. I already have a butcher, mama mboga and a shop that has almost everything i need. The rest, i’ll figure out as i go. I am excited about my turning my little space into a colorful place with the help of bits and pieces from my favorite places.Giving myself 3 months or so of living alone and paying my own bills to give myself a bill of success.
So, this is what i have been up to. How have you been?
Trying to write has been a long time coming now. I have been gravitating from moments of wordlessness to moments where i have too many words but they just don’t sound right no matter how well i try to put them. So be a little nicer when your favourite blogger doesn’t put out content as fast as you would like.
Its a new year now, i have so many things planned out and other things not planned out that just thrust themselves onto me. Such is life.
Being a new year, first, i wish you all a good one and two, yes, i still intend to keep writing. I am going to take a different approach however. I feel i owe it to myself to keep up my craft with the activities in my life and boy have they been many. My wish for the year is to be more open in my delivery, i mean, writing is a form of therapy for me. I would also like to incorporate all my adventures in this defining decade and all the other bits that i love and hate but make up who i am.
So i am going for a totally untamed experience and maybe somewhere down the line i’ll think its all too much but maybe we will make it to the end of the year without shutting down. I also want to be more interactive and for a millenial whose social media savvyness is lost in the ages, let’s see how this goes.
This is a welcome post. So i’m going for short and sweet but yes..Let’s do this.
A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life- Coco Chanel.
I spent hours on the internet scouring for haircuts that would suit me. I would get searches for ‘best haircuts to suit your face shape.’ The problem is, i don’t know what my face shape is. I mean, its not clear cut oval, rectangular or round. So i kept searching. That was August. I have always had long hair and though i have trimmed it, its never been too short and i wanted short hair. Just once. I wanted to get it done around my birthday. Preferably before the day. I asked around and someone recommended a good stylist so i waltzed into the hair salon with my few images and showed them to him. He was very kind, said it was doable and would look okay. He also said to go back and come when i felt ready. I walked across the road and got braids. I couldn’t decide between blonde and brown so i picked black. Again, my hair choices were filled with too much caution. I hated it.
Two hairstyles in, i finally felt ready to chop my hair. I did not let anyone in on my intentions. I simply undid my braids, washed my mane and went to the salon. He was there, the kind hairdresser and i showed him my images once again. “First, get rid of the relaxed ends, then we will see.” I was not quite ready to let go. Seeing my hair fall off in bits brought a mix of emotions. First fear, then a sudden but fleeting feeling to change my mind then finally resignation.I am not my hair.
After thirty or so minutes,I had a beautiful tapered cut. It was an entirely new feeling. One of weird lightness in my head and the realization that i no longer had to think about what to do with my hair brought some nice sense of joy. Seeing myself and getting used to the idea of short hair was a different story altogether but i was ready. All my waiting and anticipation had been building up to that moment when i finally looked myself in the mirror and saw a girl who was unafraid of herself.
I walked out of the salon a new woman. There is something extremely liberating about getting rid of the thing that probably defines you as a lady. Its almost as though you know you are enough, no need to fuss. Like how refreshing it is to spend an entire weekend makeup free. Or that feeling you get when you go home, kick off your shoes and take off your bra. That’s how i felt. Freedom.You could get rid of the physical parts but that would be too much trouble. I did not cut my hair to prove a point though. At least not to anyone except myself. I did it because i was tired of figuring out what to have on my head, when to undo it, what colours to have or what looked too off in the workplace. Plus, in the spirit of being young and daring, let’s do something daring. I also wanted to see if the perception about myself changed with shorter hair. I would be lying if i said i wasn’t curious about other people’s reaction too.
Fast forward to now. It’s been almost 2 months since i cut my hair. Its grown back quite a bit but now i know i like it. In fact, so much so, I want to keep cutting it for as long as possible. Not only do i want to keep enjoying this sense of self, but I also imagine this as a way to get rid of superficial admirers. Only the true ones will ever get to witness the return of my glorious mane.
I am extremely sexual and i do not want to be the ‘good girl’ i have always been. I feel different and new and I wanna embrace this me that has always been inside of me.
We grow up having people tell us what we can do and/or not do. Who we can become and who we cant. what we can eat and what we shouldn’t. where to go and where not to, how we should behave and how not to behave. who to love and who to hate, who to lust at and who to not. Who to date and who to not. Our lives are full of choices even where there is no black or white. It’s wrong to walk in the grey areas because then you are not safe and taking risks once in a while is not good. So we do not. Instead we choose to stay in a capsule of immobility and inaction.
I am extremely sexual and i do not want to be a ‘good girl’. My friend said this and went on to describe what chokes us. Living our lives based on what other people think. We allow them to take their perceptions of us and mold their own perfect little images that they then shove down our throats, with our permissions, and take away our spirits. My friend is a fierce young lady. Not only did she finish top of her class but she did this with a baby in tow and she was as devoted, still is as devoted as any mother could be. Her revelation touched a nerve in me. So we joined in the discussion and shared our lives and hurts and expectations and realized just how far we had come. With battle scars to show for it.
Our sexuality is not given to us to choose freely even if it is essentially your own. We are perceived as being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ based on how you choose to express it. Who you choose to express it with and even when? There’s no end to the weight that comes to being fully able to express yourself. I guess we will never know how this truly feels because we are afraid to get there. So most of us have stayed with partners who have tortured us emotionally because we felt that they were the only ones who truly understood us for what we were. We have stayed with people who treated us less than we deserved because the alternative was too scary. We have chosen to chase after lukewarm because we were too afraid that goosebumps would show who we truly are. We are afraid of looking in the mirror because we knew we would not love what we saw and that would be terrible. Because then it would mean we were broken and no one else would have us if we could not even want us.
I am sexual and no, this is not my friend speaking, This is me. I am a young lady, who is slowly coming out of her shell. Realizing that there is lots more to the world and there’s no reason to hide. Learning that i do not have to be perfect and that imperfections aren’t weaknesses they are what make us unique. I am also learning that spending time with yourself is the greatest gift you could give yourself at this age. That it is okay to be lonely and feel lonely and that you owe no one explanations over what you choose to do with yourself. I am learning to go for what gives me goosebumps and take more risks. Jump at opportunities without over thinking. Be open to failure and keep reinventing myself. Most importantly, I am learning not to be too hard on myself.
It took me a long time to admit this, but yes, it is good to be vulnerable. It is good to tap into your emotions. It is good to say exactly what you feel, when you feel it. No sugar coating. It is okay to say no when you can’t and even when you can but do not want to, its still okay. People do not have to like who you are but you have to fall hopelessly in love with yourself if you want to give the same to others. I am grateful to my friend for inspiring me to get into the space to write this, and no, i do not think there are any good or bad girls. Just extremely passionate ones and lukewarm ones.
I have had an extremely long past week. PMS hit me like a tonne of bricks and i felt i should write it and put it out there. Maybe get some consolation that i am a normal healthy lady and that the effects of last week do not mean i was going crazy.
People don’t talk about lady business so openly and candidly. It’s like sex. We know it happens but it’s all hush hush. Well, last week made me want to disagree. Talking about things helps. Or just putting them out there in the public sphere so people know they exist.
Last week, as i said was crazy. I knew it would be a long one when i tried to get dressed and my clothes seem to have shrunk. Everything was tight. Uncomfortably tight. My stomach was bloated beyond belief and it felt horrible. I felt horrible. Everywhere hurt. I was afraid of eating too much or my pants would rip apart. My bras felt like i had moved a cup size up and don’t even talk about how sensitive and tender my breasts were. I even broke a bra. Can you do that? Break a bra? Well, i did. I was trying to get it off because i couldn’t wait to take it off when i got home and it snapped. Never mind that it was a favourite.The one thing i got going for me was that my face did not act up thanks to my new skin care routine.
I have never experienced anything this major before and it was extremely hard to go through especially since i had other things to do during the day. The physical bits were the milder part. My mind felt like it was being invaded by aliens. Aliens who pulled about and tagged at bits and pieces in me that i never knew existed. My emotions were all over the place and mood changes were as swift as the snap of a finger. One minute i wanted a hug, the next i wanted everyone to disappear and leave me be. My mental power was reduced to only basic functionality and that did not feel good either.
I think the hardest part was that this is not something that is classified as an actual illness and care is therefore hard to come by. Getting relief from my symptoms was not something i thought would happen and when the bloat finally ended and my clouded mental judgement was lifted i thought if it got that bad next time, i would need better coping mechanisms.
Like taking better care of myself and learning to listen to my body and give it what it needs, not wants. Resisting the urge to binge on unhealthy foods and sleeping early and getting quality sleep while i am at it. Mostly just being able to detach myself from stressful situations. Or maybe just finding a happy place and hiding there.So there we have it. That wasn’t so bad. Let’s keep talking about stuff no one wants to talk about
Do you also have a problem with emotions and feelings? Getting them confused, or thinking they are two words for the same experience? Do you also sometime surprise yourself with utterly childish behavior? You thought you were this adult, but suddenly, out of the blue you miserable, everyone makes you miserable and you feel you…
Source: A neuroscientist reveals the crucial difference between feelings and emotions – BayArt
A true, genuine smile, that you wear as often as you can. The warm glow you get from being generous and helping people around yo Drinking water, constantly. All day. Every day. Treating yourself with care, love, and respect. Whatever that means to you. Putting good food in your body (at least, for the majority…
Source: 54 Things That Make You More Beautiful Than Makeup Ever Will – BayArt
I am one year old. Yaay! Not one year old, obviously, that would make me a genius, an overachiever and probably a reason for my parents to be anxious. I mean it’s been one year since i got on here and started this and quite frankly i can not remember what my first post was about. All i remember is that i was super excited to start and get my thoughts moving.
I had high expectations for this blog but i’m pretty proud of myself for getting this far. It’s been real, Its been lovely and we started from nothing to a nice happy family of people who remind me to keep writing when life takes over and are always super enthused when i put up something. I have certainly grown. In terms of being more open and using this space for what it really is. A place to vent out, get real and unburden myself.
I look forward to this year. Will certainly be changing things up a bit here. I hope you all love it though because I am pretty excited about what is in store for the look of this space and also for my creative direction. I promise to however, keep it us untamed as possible. Maybe much more untamed than i care to be comfortable with but we grow, we learn, we advance. We get tough skins. Lol.
Thank you all for being my readers. I hope to keep this up in our 2nd year. To many more words and adventures. I turn a year older soon so also grateful for little and not so little graces. I do intend to get myself a nice glass of wine and a cupcake to celebrate this, just so you know. Lots of love!
They say the twenties are the time when you need to get out there and take life by the horns. Face troubles head on and never miss an opportunity. Experiment. Fail, fail at love, fail at lots of other things but do get back up. Stronger, wiser, tougher and a little less careless. Also, probably the best time to try your go at online dating or online meeting people if all other avenues prove futile. and they will, boy they will. Amidst juggling work, school, family, friends and everything else there’s little time left to make eye contact with the guy across the cafe long enough to get him to notice you. That’s where these little gadgets come in. Those gadgets that as a 20 something, i know hardly touch any other surface except the palm of your hand.
So, I tried tinder. well, because there was always this fuss about it and i wondered if it ever worked in my country. Haha. yes, of course it would but i justified my joining so i wouldn’t have to admit to myself that my social life was taking a dip and quite frankly , i do not want to be the lady who does not like cats but has cats because they are the only creatures that will have her. My first thoughts when i joined were that someone i knew would recognize me and that was not the sort of conversation i wanted to have with anyone.
First week in and several swipes in, i already had several matches. I got my first and only good match during the first week. I should have known, but i did not and instead went on to see if i could get some more.The kinds i got were those who wanted me to go to their houses out of a whim and we both know they would not be serving me tea and cookies when i got there. Then there was the batch that figured i would fair well in their exotic pursuits of pleasure. Then the plain boring ones who could not sustain a conversation about the weather even if they tried.
I am a month into the app and do i want to keep pushing it? Not if all i am going to get is requests to try exotic activities i can not even bring myself to write here. Do i advise you to get on tinder to find your forever after or your scared to be alone someone? No, unless the sort of activities that will dominate the conversations interest you. Or, you like to get that sort of validation.
All these said, my tinder escapades were rather amusing. I think not going in with expectations of seriousness and thoughts of grandeur made it all quite bearable. The one good experience and i mean 1 out of say 100 matches that did not conform to the rest was quite surreal. If i had known that the rest of the time would be spent sifting through uninspiring talk, i could have ended my experiment then but would not make a good story now. Would it? So, i highly advise anyone who is a little bit normal to stick to traditional ways of meeting people. It may take a while, it may take forever but it will save you a lot of trouble. This is also my cue to end this experiment.